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EVENT COLLECTION 4: Events 13 - 16 "Enter the Future Through the Past"

Characters' names in BOLD are those that appear for the first time. Go to the Characters Page to read more about them.

Event 13 ("Gateway Shuffle")  

0917 Hyrule, Middle Earth (October 28, Tuesday)

The camera pans down upon a quaint medieval village on a clear and beautiful summer day. In the town square there's a large gathering of a bunch of locals in dirty and ratty clothes and a group of about 40 pale men and women dressed mainly in black. One of the cleanest villagers nods his head and reaches forward to shake one of the pale ones' hands when all of a sudden the sky rips open and tons of ESDF soldiers, MamonOni warriors and Jovian Angels fall out of it right into the middle of the assembly! Everybody on the ground is in shock, but none more than Master Malaria, the pale man with his hand extended. Guy Butrosbutros falls right on top of him, and in doing so plunges a broken broom handle right into his heart, turning him to dust!

It's then discovered that the Time Dilators from the time-warp of 2727 have been yanked back into the past (0917 no less) and dropped right into the middle of armistice between some freaky vampyres and the town of Hyrule! The villagers flee in terror of the "warlocks from the future" and the vampyres get pissed at having their leader (Malaria) killed right in front of them! The Vampyre Paul takes command and kills Tilly the Warrior Priest (who was the villagers' main defenses against the undead brood) in cold blood! The Oni Hot Damn is very impressed and licks her lips in lust.

Master Chuchu then appears from out of nowhere and holds the vamps at bay with her special Poo on a Stick defense/attack to let the dilators escape. The vamps are only scared off though, when the Heralds of the Goddesses, the Beast Triplets (Phalacia, Rolls and Xenofobia) appear and make fire materialize with two pieces of wood! The Heralds offer their help to the time travellers (especially after Kyran says that she goofed and that everybody missed the time where Zero, Yurethra and Tyler landed by a millennium and that they'll need some heavy duty God Energy to get back to the present!). The triplets tell the confused travellers of the Quadforce. An ancient power sealed in the darkworld that they might be able to use. Then they disappear after they warn of upcoming tests to see if they are worthy of the task.

It's at this time that infighting between the Oni, Angels and ESDF starts up again between those who have time dilated when all of a sudden two huge dragons appear and attack the group!

Ahhhh! Mari Model-5 look out for the Fire 3 counter-attack! Quick, Guy, use METEO!

After Caca and Jingy bravely and gruesomely disposed of the fire and ice dragons, Nab got all in a huff and left claiming that he could never work with bastards who "could kill innocent flying beasts so callously like pig-f**k dogs in heat" (once again a brilliant pun lost in translation). A few hundred meters away from the group, hidden in the trees is Do-It the elf. She doesn't know what to make of the situation and decides to watch a bit more.

While the three future factions begin fighting again a lone warrior walks into their midst and offers some help and advice. He is Pretty Boy, one of the 467 legendary Vampyre Hunters of the world. He explains the situation of the land to the dilators and how the vampyres have cursed the countryside with their dark, undead presence. They've slaughtered many a villager and plenty of livestock over the years causing panic and food shortages. But recently they've been subdued and their leader (the ex-Malaria) was about to forge a peace pact with the Mayor of Hyrule in order to "battle a bigger enemy". Nobody but the vamps know what this means, and they wouldn't talk until peace was settled upon.

When asked about the Quadforce, Pretty Boy shook his head and talked of "legends of long ago" and then left to kill off some more old friends.

The time travellers then agreed to unite in order to strengthen their chances in returning to their "civilized time" of flushing and vaporizing commodes, daily showers and food without hair or pus on it. It is a bit uneasy, but they all shake on it (considering how many characters fell through the warp, this takes a good 7 minutes). Then Egg Girl walks by.

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Event 14 ("Toys in the Attic")

The Dilators are all working together trying to find the source of some enchanting singing in the middle of a huge forest (the singing sounds like Metallica's Enter Sandman in Japanese). Soon they come across some old creepy ruins in a stank swamp and find Tsukino sitting on a slimey rock belting out the medieval muzak. Before anybody can find out anything more about her they hear another voice, a little girl screaming at the top of her lungs in fear! Once again they go running.

Soon some of the travellers come across a small and rocky valley that dead ends a hundred feet in. And at the end of it is Nab who's cornered a petite little man (who's pissing his pants and cowering in fear). The "man" in Minivan and he's a (pansy) dragon slayer. Seems he tried to attack Nab (the smallest dragon he's ever seen) but the flying ferret was just too much for him to handle. After a bit of explaining and forgiving, Tsukino, Nab and Minivan join/rejoin the now enormous group of time-lost adventurers. Then they all sit down and wonder what they should do now (each apparently forgetting about the Quadforce). They then wonder some more..... and some more.

After the commercial break, a cute lil' elf pops out of the trees and offers her help to the dilators. It is Do-It, and she goes on to explain how the powerful Quadforce came to be. Kami-sama made this powerful energy sealer long ago and made the Golden Land to experience its lovely golden God Energy till forever. But then some giant pig tried to steal it, turned the Golden Land into the World of Darkness and then bad things, George. Bad things. She then volunteers to guide them to the Gates to the Golden Land (well, after Guy "pays" her in his own manly way).

The Goddess Surd gives Dee-Dee an order. Then after he makes his pizza run he is told to keep the time dilators alive and away from the vampyres as the goddesses need their help desperately!

That night, after meeting many more travelers and getting them to join the gigantic party, the time strippers go to sleep. They are woken up abruptly though by a shreik of horror! They first think it's coming from Buffy and Priscilla (who are in the middle of another cat fight in the mud [lots of great fanservice shots here!]), and go back to sleep. But then the scream sounds out again and they all go racing around until they find Tsukino trembling in the woods pointing to the bodies of 20 dead Faceless Minions! She says that she was just out for a #2 when she almost tripped on the corpses. Next to the deadies is a message written in their blood. It says that he (the killer) did this all for Tsukino's loving attention and that he plans to slaughter more innocents until she learns to love him. Tsukino is flattered (man, this never works for me) but freaked when she sees that he signs his name the "Tsuki-maniac!". Nab eats the bodies and soon everyone else goes back to sleep.

The next morning the travellers are awoken by Ushiko and Umao chanting their love to eachother while dressed in maiden and knight costumes. As they get ready to depart, Egg Girl walks by again and Guy and Fein ask her what's in the damn thing. She won't say a word and Guy starts to get a bit PO'd. But before he can do anything, Dee-Dee the Vampyre Hunter appears before them and says that he has been sent by the Goddesses to guide them to the 3 Holy Ones' sanctuary (He doesn't know what for, but nobody disobeys the Goddesses).

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Event 15 ("Mushroom Samba")

Everybody's sitting around eating soup around a large bonfire (Dee-Dee included) at night. They're all talking about the good old days of the future and their trying to describe with nutty hilarity the super-science of Star Ships, cloning and flushing toilets to all the inhabitants of this primitive culture. Master Chu-chu is terribly vexed that the world of the future has no further need of "poo on a stick" with such far-fetched weapons as "lasers" and "exploding bombs of feces" (an Oni only weapon).

Without anyone seeing them, the Beast Triplets sneak up to the camp and slip some 'shrooms into Do-It's soup. As soon as she slurps it down she starts talkin' in tongues and seeing things in rainbow colors. Everybody just chalks it up to her being a "tree-hugging wood elf" until she stakes both Buffy and Priscella (she claims that she did it cause they weren't using enough oil in their half-nekkid wresslin' match previously). Then she orders everybody refer to her as "Asbestos" now! Everybody shrugs and says that it's a better name than "Do-It" anyway and they think nothing of it.

Out in the woods, the Beast Triplets are sneaking away from the camp when they stumble across a very steamy love scene. Paul the Vampyre, from the village meeting before, and Hot Damn are having a secret rendezvous and are totally into eachother (literally).

Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?

Thank God the Triplets are horny cause we get to see a lot more of the Vamp-luvin' action before they move on @_@. Anyway, after they leave, another commotion is stirred up at the camp. Some schmuck is being chased around by some really cute chickie while she cries out "Daaaaaaaaah-reeeeeeeeeeeeen!" at the top of her lungs. The dude being chased is Potato and the chick is Sophia. They are (supposedly) lovers but Potato doesn't want anything to do with her (our only guess is he's really a closet "fan o' Dorothy" in denial). It doesn't matter though for as soon as Ally notices the striking resemblance between herself and Sophia she puts two and two together and realizes that she's her distant ancestor!!! In pure disgust at how floozy like she looks when she goes around flinging herself at men, Ally pays a passing carriage to ship Sophia to the farthest nunnery they can find. Then Drugis kills Potato (eh, he was annoying as f***). To everybody's shock, Ally starts to fade away. Out of the existance of time!

It is then that they realize that anything that they do to alter the past can have dire repurcussions to their future world (but since all the guys who've become infected with STDs by Ally all get cured, they choose to celebrate instead)... But then because she never existed and therefore they wouldn't have known her and therefore wouldn't have known that she just disappeared because of something she did to change history, nobody cares.

*Sigh*. The next day, Asbestos is acting very kooky and drugged out. She leaves the whole group far behind her as she tears off into the forest to find some more magic 'shrooms. Then the Egg Girl walks by and Guy gets uber-pissed at the little wanker.

Meanwhile, inside the Goddesses tower of power (Diseased Whore Island in the Sky) the 3 Creator/Destroyer Goddesses of the world begin a holy chant. Soon the singing turns "metal" and we see a pentagram on the ground in front of them turn bright white! Their Metallica rendition brings forth a being from this light. It is Klink the Bastardd, the ULTIMATE Living Weapon! The Goddesses all cackle together (first at Klink's unmanly nekkedness) and tell eachother their plan. Seems that they plan to change the Time Dilators into vamp assassinating machines in order to kill all the vampyres of the world because they are the Darkgate Sealers of the Golden Land! With them gone the Darkworld will open into this one and flood the Light World with the power of the Evilly Tainted Quadforce (they might be alpha and omega, good and evil, but the Goddesses find that Evil Energy is faaaaaar sexier than good) and then they can sit back and enjoy the vibes forever (Goddessing duty is tough and hard work dammit!). Then Asbestos joins them and they all laugh like maniacs together (except for Klink who's so embarrassed at being the Ultimate Living Weapon with such very unmanly apendages. He cries to himself)!!!!!

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Event 16 ("Brain Scratch")

Bratt tries once again to kill Drugis in a Wile E. Coyote sort of way. After he fails miserably, the whole group finds themselves in the nice and comfy village of Mobliz and they decide to relax a bit.

Meanwhile, inside the Diseased Whore Island in the Sky, the Goddesses' personal secretary, Sun Angel, by mistakenly hears them brag about their evil plan. In horror, she seeks out the Dilators to warn them.

Sun finds the travellers in the town that they're in and blabs all. She tells them about the Dark World, the Goddesses' plans and how the Vampyres of this world have blood of the Golden Land in them from when one of their ancestors long ago escaped and sealed the Dark World away forever (this blood of the G.L. is supposedly why the vamps can survive in daylight and it is unfortunately why the Goddesses need them all caput!). Then the Goddesses appear.

Skull, Surd and Sugardaddy are pissed! So far all their plans have failed! They order Dee-Dee to kill Sun, which he refuses (he thinks she's got a nice rack). Then they tell him a secret they've been keeping from him. They state that his life is an oxymoron because he is half vamp himself!!!!... He says that he knows, he's just a homicidal maniac who likes to taste warm blood on and with his sword.

Then all hell starts to break loose! The Goddesses conjure forth the ancient spirit of Lei-Hsien to devour Dee-Dee's soul! After he walks around her the Goddesses start to show signs of fear, but they gather their wits and call to life a bunch of evil espers and scary looking demon-things (led by Terri the Esperlite) to wreck the place! Then the battle begins!

Anne goes straight for the Goddesses and learns about electricity (and that lightning has 1.21 gigawatts of it per strike) the hardway.

Mari Model number 5 (with the help of Azusa) starts bustin' medieval monster ass! Good thing she also takes orders in German!

During the destruction and flying body parts, Terri rips apart Sun and then goes to town on the town! She's slaughtering villagers left and right and right and left and up and down!! It's very gruesome :p. Body parts and blood (along with stone and mortar) are flying everywhere!!! The Goddesses are laughing and truly getting into it when all of a sudden Terri stops. She notices a bunch of pathetic little kids sorting through the piles of ex-humans to find a head or an arm of their mommies and daddies. Terri is so moved by this that she denounces her loyalties to the Creators/Destroyers and decided to raise the orphans of the town herself.

The Goddesses fume, but soon a sh*tload of vamps surrounds them from out of nowhere and they beat a hasty retreat back to their floating sanctuary. After that, the Vampyres (who heard what the Goddesses had said, conveniently enough) team up with the time travelers and prepare their attack on the Flying Whore Island. Before they do anything though, the Beast Triplets approach them and warn them away from fighting the Goddesses. They claim that they're too powerful for the mortals and that they'll just die horrible horrible deaths or be turned into slaves like Asbestos. After being told to "Sod Off!" the Trips curse the humans and vamps and say that they will save the memory of their ancestor (the dumb ass pig that screwed up the Golden Land and turned it into the Darkworld was their Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather) by smiting the puny people!... but they leave right away (I guess preparing to smite them).

Kyran claims that the Quadforce energy that's just emitting from the Darkworld is probably enough to repower the mini Time Dilation Compression machine she has to send them back to the future. Just then Ushiko and Umoa pop up as a couple of vampyres and spill out their love for eachother while sucking eachothers' blood. Then Egg Girl walks by. After all the dust has settled, Tsukino lets out another shreik. It seems that the Tsuki-maniac has struck again! Has the world gone mad?!

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