My Response:

Mr. Campbell,

I apologize if you have sent any previous letters or correspondence to me in the past, as this was the first email that I have received from you, especially regarding the topic at hand.

I am very pleased that you have read and liked my site, and its many colorful stories and brilliant reviews covering such topics as "Rooting for Death: Why the Stupid Should Die," "Going Gay the San Francisco Way," and "The Review and Rating of Paris Hilton's Sex Tape Video." All modern day classics, if you ask me.

I see that you have some small issue in regards to a tiny shitty photograph that I have used on my site that was taken back on November 22, 1963. It seems that taking said photograph and altering it considerably with my own parodic text bubble, I have upset you and caused you to think that I am using said image unfairly. This is not true, and if you were knowledgeable in the "fair use" laws up and running in our awesome country (check this shit out: https://apps.americanbar.org/ litigation/committees/ intellectual/roundtables/ 0506_outline.pdf), you would know that my lame attempt at humor falls completely under this little thing called "fair use" as "The Supreme Court has unequivocally held that a parody may qualify as fair use under § 107. According to the Court, a parody is the 'use of some elements of a prior author’s composition to create a new one that, at least in part, comments on that author’s works.'” Id. at 580.

My shit totally does this, my main man, Cady. All that my alterations DO is comment on your original work in a humorous way. At least I find it funny.... And if you want to get deep, you can ask "what IS humor?" But that's a slippery slope. See, I'm sure that you find stuff like Paul Blart: Mall Cop funny, and that garbage offends my sense of humor to the point of making me question your intelligence as a grown man and a human being. IF you like that crap. I'm not saying that you do, but if you don't like my stuff.... Wellllllll.....

Anyway, I contacted my lawyer today and asked if the way I used the photo that you say you have a copyright on (did you actually TAKE that photograph, Cady? Or did you simply buy it, just like those patent trolls who try to take millions away from ground-breaking, hard-working, tech companies, simply because they have a very vague patent that they bought up from somebody desperate for cash 10 years ago?). My lawyer said "Rossman, seriously, don't even respond to this guy. He's got no leg to stand on, and he kind of sounds like he has a stick up his ass. Just ignore it, you're totally covered under 'fair use' and all that stuff. And don't tell anybody that I had lunch with you. It might get around."

To sum things up: I'm safe with fair use, since I altered the picture to make it a parody of the picture's initial concept. Also, I'm not making a fucking DIME off the picture on my website. Seriously, I spend a lot of my own money, out of pocket, each year, since I refuse to post any ads on my site, so it's not like I'm profiting from the picture you bought the rights to back in the 90s, or that you inherited from your father.

But if it makes you feel any better, I will alter your copyrighted picture even more, just so that it's even MORE of a parody than it was before. I've even gone the extra mile and added your copyright to the image itself. Now we all should be happy... Well, I'LL be happy, but I doubt that YOU'VE ever been happy in the last ten years. Seriously, do you spend your days google image searching for pictures you've bought copyrights on? That's a pretty sad life, Cody.

Sincerely,

-the Rossman (new, even more parodious image attached!)

My Really Feeling Bad Response to That:

No, no offense taken at all, and in fact I have to apologize for being a total dick in my response. I was aiming for "internet funny," but in hindsight it was actually just "internet tool."

Sorry for that, and I thank you for being so cool with it. Keep on keepin' on!

And if you haven't read Stephen King's 11.22.63 I highly recommend it. Great book.

-the Rossman

My Response:

Oh noooooo, did Derian get his feelings hurt because he liked something that I thought was pig shit awful? You're right, the best way to unbunch your panties is to be MANLY, and the only way you know to be manly is to say (and I quote) "lol wtf?" and then send the person that disagrees with your (retarded) opinions a horribly misspelled email claiming that he's a Mr. Poopypants reviewer without giving any examples or reasons for your own arguments. I must say, well played, good sir.

Now kick your dog out of your bed, wipe off the peanut butter, put on some pants and write me a REAL letter, giving me real reasons why I am so horrible, and explain why you're so butthurt over what some random internet writer had to say about a shitty show, movie, or anime that you loved (for some stupid reason). Be a man, you pussy.

-the Rossman

(And goddammit! If you use either "LOL" or "WTF" again I will find you and punch you in the tacklebox, Dermont!)

My Response to his well thought out reply:

First, please let me start off with BWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA! Seriously, do you only argue with 3 year-olds? Does a pathetic response like what you just sent me ever make you feel like you've won ANYTHING in your miserable and worthless life (besides the disapproval of your father who wanted a son, and not a complete pussy)?

Derrick, you are by far the absolute stupidest faggot I've ever had the displeasure of talking to online. At first I thought you might have something to say -- something possibly intelligent to counter my original thoughts on my reviews --  but instead I find that you are nothing but a lame troll with way too much free time on your hands. Yes, you are a lame troll, since you don't even understand the very basics of trolling.

Please, do some homework before you hurt yourself with your next attempt at trying to make someone cry on the internet. In fact, let me help you with this. Below is the Urban Dictionary definition of "trolling":

The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off (see, this is where you failed right off the bat, Der), usually via the internet, using dialogue. Trolling does not mean just making rude remarks: Shouting swear words at someone doesn't count as trolling; it's just flaming, and isn't funny...

(The following is also very important, Derr...) The most essential part of trolling is convincing your victim that either a) you truly believe in what you are saying, no matter how outrageous, or b) give your victim malicious instructions, under the guise of help.
Trolling requires deceiving; any trolling that doesn't involve deceiving someone isn't trolling at all; it's just stupid. As such, your victim must not know that you are trolling; if he does, you are an unsuccessful troll.

My Response:

Well first you'll need two giant drums of hydrochloric acid, 25 hookers who can take direction and dress up classy, a chimpanzee that you've trained to open doors, a saxophone, a map to the governor's house, and two fake bombs made from household items and some cheap wires from Radio Shack (pay in cash, you don't want anything traced back to you)..... Wait a minute, you said "legally"? Sorry, nope. I don't know a legal way.

-the Rossman

My Response:

Blake? From High Shoals?! And Jet Li?!? You have candy? I'll fight for it, but not till the death. My parole officer won't allow that.

-the Rossman

My Response:

Yes. Yes I do.

- the Rossman

Wait.... did you say Christ or Satan?

My Initial Response:

Dante Gutierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrez,

I usually don't respond this quickly, but you caught me just as I was done checking out 4chan's /s/ board, so I'm satisfied and thought I'd reply before going to sleep for the night.

The reason I don't review things like Naruto, One Piece and Bleach is because I like to review the whole story of whatever I'm watching/reading/playing. Those shows will NEVER fucking end, and therefore they don't have the all important final act for me to judge them upon as a whole. It'd be like reading Stephen King's The Dark Tower novels, but stopping with two more to go, and just repeat-reading the middle books for 5 to 10 years. Those kinds of shows (that simply stretch their storyline out because the original author figured out that there's money to be made if he drags his plot out to infinity) bug the shit out of me. They're all nothing but Dragon Ball Z all over again: Good guys fight very powerful bad guys; lose (or come close to losing); good guys get better, BEAT bad guys; newer, stronger bad guys come along; repeat.

I like things with a beginning, middle, and end. The end of shonen shows like Naruto, One Piece and Bleach will never live up to their hype (if they ever do in fact end). Fan boys expect way too much from them after following them for years (if not decades). They are bound to disappoint. And don't tell me "They're all about the journey, not the destination." That's bullshit apologetic wishing. No, stories are all about the finale. That is the entire point to a story -- its ending. If a story is great (or at least fun) up until the ending, but then you find out that the reason the story was dragged on for so long is because the author never really had a good, unique finish in mind, then all you remember is that disappointing finale, and the taste of fresh vomit in your mouth.

It's like watching somebody run an epic marathon, be half a mile ahead of his nearest competition as he nears the finish line, only to have that poor fucker trip, fall, and scrape his face upon the pavement just feet from the goal. What is the most important part of that race? The great run up until the last ten yards, or the fact that he fucked up at the very end when he needed to be his best and had his face turn into hamburger.

That, and I don't have time to watch 500 episodes of any show ever. I don't care if One Piece turns out to be the second coming of Evangelion. NOTHING is worth catching up to 500 eps. Though seriously, if you can't tell your story in under 500 episodes you've kind of failed as a narrator. Yeah, you're probably rich as hell, but you sold out, and you should stop using up all the blue paint in Korea for all those oceans they have to color in for your show.

There is an exception to this "Never ending shows suck" rule though, and that is comedy series. The whole point to humorous shows is to make the viewer laugh, and if they're still going strong after 100 or 200 episodes, then more power to them.

-the Rossman

(Have some Red Wyrm Tequila for me! Adios, muchacho!)

My Initial Response:

...How is that a "Question"?

-the Rossman

The Original Email:

*Kano Shimai x Production IG (/Ghost In the Shell/) press conference August 9th!! *

Dear NEU BAUHAUS LLC and Ai Aota Friends!

We would like to inform you with our new project and press conference information KANO SHIMAI on August 9th 2008. Official Link: http://www.ponycanyon.co.jp/asianbeauties/officialsite/index.html

If you would like to attend the press conference on August 9th at Baltimore Convention Center, Please let me know via e-mail listed below. I will prepare the media pass for you and your camera crew. Event Link: http://www.otakon.com/ guests_ind.asp#kanosis

Best regards,
Ai Aota
NEU BAUHAUS LLC JP-US Marketing / Consultant / Coordination

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Kano Sisters Anime Project Press conference
Saturday, August 9th, 2008 OTAKON

(Lots and lots of information regarding who the fuck the Kano Sisters actually are cut out here... It basically said "I can't BELIEVE you don't know who these chicks are! They're like non-tranny tranny-whores! They're teh awesome-o!" for like 15 paragraphs.)

Ai Aota
NEU BAUHAUS LLC JP-US Marketing / Consultant / Coordination
310-886-0893 310-220-6996 (FAX) 453 S. Spring St Suite 930 Los Angeles CA 90013

MY DISBELIEVING RESPONSE

Holy suck my anus! You're KIDDING me! THE Kanno Sisters? Yoko and her imouto, Okoy!? I'd absolutely whack off in public in order to cover that press conference for my readers... You're paying for my travel expenses, right?

-the Rossman

(Okay, I read somewhere that they were once prostitutes... Please tell me this isn't a lie. Will I be given any "one on two" time with them behind a podium or anything for my "interview"? Yes, I even want the tranny-looking one too. There's just something.... scary there that frightens yet titilates me.)

THE "OMG! SOMEBODY'S INTERESTED! CALL THE BOSS!" RESPONSE TO MINE

Dear Rossman,

Thank you for your interest, let me find out what we can do about it.
Mean while, can I have your publication's profile?
Circulation, web hits, whatever you can give me?

Best,
Ai

MY HURRIED ANSWER TO AI'S REQUEST

My website (therossman.com) has been in operation for 13 years now, and has covered many conventions and press conferences in the past including: Anime Expo 97 and 98, Animazement 98, E3 98 - 2001, ONIcon 98, PornCon 99, The AVN Awards 2000 - 2003, The Academy Awards (half of 2001's ceremony... before I was thrown out for peeing on Andy Dick [who asked me to do it]), CHUD-Fest 2-7, and Otakon 2002. My website (therossman.com) has many tens (possibly 100) of loyal readers who read everything I write for them — even when it's absolute crappola — and worship the goddamn ground I walk on.

According to some global internet traffic rankings site I think I read somewhere, my website (therossman.com) is sitting pretty at #243,895. That's compared to every frickin' website ever made! Think about that for a minute! There must be billions of websites out there, and I'm still #243,895! I'm sure that I reach more people than the average lower ranking MySpace page. Definitely more than most faggy Facebook blogs.

My bags are all packed and I look forward to hearing back from you.

-the Rossman

The Original Email:

I don't like your opinion of anything.... In fact, I think you're the anti-me
So, I'm warning you... you better stay away... cuz if we ever meet we'll anihlate the universe

Honey Sequoia

p.s your website sux
P.P.S I'm femail
P.P.P.S and hot
P.P.P.P.S. You are the unluckiest man alive
P.P.P.P.P.S. And your website still sux

My Opposite (But Uber-Equal) Response:

Dear Anti-Me,

I don't understand... If you are indeed the Anti-Me then yes, you would be a chick, but in order to be "anti" me anything you'd have to be butt-ugly too, so how can you be "and hot" too? Oh! Or maybe you're like the Sinestro to my Green Lantern! Or the Joker to my Batman! Or the Ganon to my Link! Or (in layman's terms) the ultimate coont to my ultimate cock! You know what? Screw the universe! We have so got to meet. Our kids would be made of dark matter! They would rule all.

-the Rossman

(Wait, did you say my website "sux"?! Oh fuck me, you better HOPE we never meet, 'cause chick or not, bitches who don't appreciate art get a faceful of fail-cake (fail POUND cake) made just for them! [Unless you're reeeeeeeeeeeeally fucking hot.])

The stupid fan mail in question:

Hello Rossman!

I like your reviews, they are all really informative and helpful in helpig me decide the anime I will watch next. I trust your opinion because it is so much like mine so please tell me what you think of the following anime!!!

• Aa Megami-sama (TV)
• Aa Megami-sama: Sorezore no Tsubasa (TV)
• Aa Megami-sama: Tatakau Tsubasa (special)
• Aa! Megamisama! (OAV)
• (The) Adventures of Mini-Goddess (TV)
• Adventures of Patapata Aircraft (TV)
• (The) Adventures of Tweeny Witches (TV)
• Afro Samurai (TV)
• Ah! My Goddess: The Movie
• Akira (movie)
• Alien Nine (special)
• All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku (OAV)
• All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku DASH! (OAV)
• All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku TV
• Ane to Boin (OAV)
• Angel Links (TV)
• Animation Runner Kuromi (OAV)
• Animation Runner Kuromi 2 (OAV)
• Appleseed (OAV)
• Appleseed (movie)
• Appleseed (TV)
• Appleseed Ex Machina (movie)
• Aquarian Age - Sign for Evolution (TV)
• Aquarian Age Saga II ~ Don't forget me... ~ (OAV)
• Aquarian Age the Movie (OAV)
• Aquarion (TV)
• Arcadia of My Youth (movie)
• Area 88 (OAV)
• Arjuna (TV)
• Armitage III (OAV)
• Armitage III Polymatrix (movie)
• Armitage: Dual-Matrix (movie)
• Assemble Insert (OAV)
• Azumanga Daioh (TV)
  [EDITED BY ME, the Rossman, SINCE THIS WAS ONLY THE As, AND THIS LIST WENT ON FOR OVER 500 MORE TITLES]

Thank you!!!!! I'm waitning for your resonse!!!

Loki

My response:

First things first, not everybody on the internet lives to serve you, Loki... Except for some of the better live chat/video feed pr0n sites out there. They're the exception to the rule. To give somebody an enormous list like this and expect them to spend hours (if not days) filling it all out is extremely assholic of you. Yes, I like to give my opinion about a great many things, and if you had simply kept the list to a maximum of ten you'd have had a much better chance of a polite response. Douchebag.

Secondly, it appears that you simply went to the Anime News Network and copied down EVERYTHING they have listed in their encyclopedia, not even bothering to check to see if I've already reviewed any of the titles in question (which as a matter of fact I have already reviewed over 20 that I've noticed in a very quick scan). When you don't even do your homework and still expect a treat... No.

Thirdly, you don't even ask if I've seen any of the titles you presented me with, you just assume that I have absolutely NO life and have spent the last 20 years watching every piece of shitty anime that's ever been produced, just waiting for you to ask me about it. True, I really don't have a life, but that's not for your benefit, Loki, it's for mine. I live for sloth. This site is work enough for me in my free time, I don't ever want to work anymore than I already do unless it's for oodles of cash. Oodles.

But just in case you didn't read any of the above and are just skimming this reply for my reviews for you, here goes:

I thought every single one of these shows rocked balls. Buy them all. Take out a loan and purchase every last one of them. You will thank me for it.

-the Rossman

(PS, I also like how you indescriminately mixed in hentai series in your list as well as pure kiddy shows. You are one strange monster, Loki. Now go back to whacking it to your own personal Dragon Ball Z/Sailor Moon fanfics)

The first plea for help (and my cash stash):

Subject: help me as God help u

Go to the rest of the Princess Sarah Johnson E-MAIL (and my response)

Go to the El Mayimbe Transformers Script
E-MAIL (link)