Code Name: Carl
File Name: Leslie Todd Carlofski
Primary Team Rossman Specialty: Punching the ever-living tar out of people, both in real life and in videogames.
Goal in Life: To win the World Championship Galaga Competition.
Here we can see Carl and his Monkey of Madness. Never underestimate the Monkey. It has been known to kill or at least throw its feces at people.... Actually, I believe that all the instances of Madness blamed on the Monkey were perpetrated by Carl himself, but I'm not about to call him on it.
Carl is the muscle in most of the Rossman Operations I find I have to put together. His favorite thing in the world is monkeys. After monkeys, his favorite thing is video games. Carl's mutant power is to be freakishly good at all fighting, shooting and sports games on all systems. It sucks ass when he plays as that gay cactus guy in Marvel VS Capcom 2 and trashes all three of my players in 10 seconds. I just believe that Morrigan deserves more respect than that.
Carl is the one who usually comes up with the ideas on how cool it would be to watch something explode or see something or someone get turned into a puddle. Sometimes these are good ideas (like when it's somebody else's car or dog), but sometimes these are bad ideas (like when it's my car or robot).
When Carl found out that I had redone the Rossman Chronicle he went a little insane and tried to stop the evil at the source: Namely me and my existence. Somehow I was able to grab an electric drill and I kept hitting him with it to get him to stop killing me. The drill didn't do much though, and I had to promise him I'd buy him two lunches at Little Italy if he stopped.
Despite the fact that a large pizza is only like $7 at Little Italy, each lunch cost me $120. Carl eats like a horse with three stomachs... Wait, cows have three stomachs. Carl eats like a cow. A cow that fucking LOVES pepperoni.
Carl is a computer
geek like the MegaPlayboy (but he's not as completely obsessed with porn as the MegaPlayboy, so he's useless in my plans to control everything to do with genitals on the internet). But if you ever call him a "geek" he'll hit you with something
large and/or hard. Usually his fist or the Monkey of Madness.
One time some fat lamer with a pocket protector came into Carl's
office and claimed to be a kinsman of his since they both knew
what Linux and Unix was. Carl started shaking from rage and everybody
who knew better ran away without looking back. When we thought
that the carnage was over we cautiously returned to Carl's office
only to find him by himself without any blood on the walls or
his hands. We asked him what happened to the fat dude and he
said that "There never was a fat dude. Forget about it". After I found a lone thumb in his trash can later that day I came to the conclusion that he ate the fat dude. He must'uv gotten some major heartburn. Eating somebody that fat is just a coronary waiting to happen too.
Well, Carl did stop killing me (that one time), but he still wanted the evil to end. So to compromise I helped him kill his computer instead. The Online Rossman Chronicle will never attack him on his home turf again.
The things that calm
Carl's (frequent) bouts of Blind Canadian Rage are monkeys, free
food, beating people up (in real life and on Playstation 2 and
X-Box games), throwing things, hitting people with the Monkey
of Madness and non-bukkake porn. I guess he's only human after all.
Carl Quote: "What's that line about bubblegum and kicking ass? Well, whatever it was, you're about to get your ass kicked."
Recently, we've all become aware of a new addition (of sorts) to Carl's genealogy: Carl XXIII.
He appeared out of thin air one day in the middle of a huge bocci ball tournament in the Wolfman's backyard. Then he started shooting people left and right at an attempt to "zap" the assholic embodiment of electronic evil, Robot Pedro. He failed that time (though he did wing Kuni and he shot off Candice's left leg), but he's popped up every now and then with his 20 round explosive-tipped-bullet gun and his mean disposition when he knows Robot Pedro will be at a certain place and a certain time. Other than "Die, robot herpes machine, DIE!!" he doesn't say much. He mostly lets his trigger finger do the talking.
Through piecing bits of info together we think we've figured out who and what Carl XXIII is. Apparently sometime in the near future Robot Pedro will "damage" our Carl so badly in some kind of "house exploding" attack that even his children, and his children's children, and their children, etc. will be born fucked up and mentally scarred. Carl XXIII is Carl's great great great great..... etc. grandchild who through the miracle of future technology was able to have a special suit built that would allow him to move, walk, maim and kill like a normal person (with the strength of 5 female gorillas). So with the help of some weapons and time traveling devices that Carl the First had stolen from Bob From the Future and stored away, Carl XXIII came back to our era in the hopes of stopping the evil of Robot Pedro before he can cause the genetically passed on hurt to his ancestor.
Unfortunately, each attack that Carl XXIII wages destroys the lives of several civilians and puppies. Puppies who had families that loved them.