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"Quotes of the Weak"

December 21, 2018
"Oh my god! Stop screaming at me! I barely had enough time to pull it out and stick it in!... Wow, that sounded just like my first date with Rachel from H.R.."
—Some guy who needed to slide his security card into the slot in the elevator (that was audibly blaring at his apparent inability to do so) in my office building this morning.
January 31st, 2018
"Oh, we got a new shower-head, with like 6 settings, including 'waterfall.' I took the limiter out (destroying the limiter in the process) before installing it. GREAT stream, but one setting is like a hundred BB-pellets shooting my privates... Gotta be careful."
— Some guy in line at Home Depot
June 22nd, 2017
"I am the lord god LINK, and Hyrule is my playground!"
—Marksy, after playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild for 387 hours, and getting a 100% completion on every weapon, piece of armor, Korok seed, location, horse, upgrade, and riding every last creature in the realm that he could, including a bear and a Lynel
March 22nd, 2017
"Mark my words. I swear, I'm going to sound like a prophet. Trump is saying and doing all these ri-goddamn-diculous things so that he'll get fired. He KNOWS what he's doing, he just never really wanted to be president... And soon, everybody sucking his dick talking about how great he is is going to realize they look like fucking retards."
— Me
January 4th, 2017
"Why did 2016 hurt me so, Papa?"
— Me
October 12th, 2016
"It doesn't matter if one political party puts an actual chimpanzee on the ticket, half the country will vote for it."
— My prophetic father, over 30 years ago
July 20th, 2016
"Did you know that this Cubone that I caught wears its mother's skull on its head?... I used to wear my mother's skin, but the cops took it away from me..."
— Somebody showing off their newly caught Pokemon Go Cubone to me downtown
March 30th, 2016
"So my mom doesn't want me going to Brussels or France for my European trip this summer, because of the bombings and shootings and all the death. So I'm going to Germany. Nothing bad ever happened there."
— A coworker with no knowledge of history explaining her change in vacation plans
February 10th, 2016
"You know how if your roommate gets hit by a bus you get straight As for the semester? Well, what if you had a homeless guy get hit by a bus like right in front of you?.. Accidentally, of course."
— A student at the downtown college I overheard while walking to a job interview
December 9th, 2015
"Did you know that there's a new Star Wars movie coming out in a week? I really hope they have Hand Solo and Jar Jar in it! That would be the greatest movie of all time if Lucas did that!"
— The non-trolling, wannabe-nerd woman in my office
October 21st, 2015
"Look at all these 'sexy' women's costumes! Geez! There's a 'sexy Fred Flintstone'! Why do a 'sexy Fred Flintstone?!' That's why you have Wilma or Betty!"
— A confused patron of the local Halloween costume shop
August 12th, 2015
"I want to take those fucking Minions and stick them in a blender, then feed it to my dog, and then scoop up my dog's yellow poop, and then throw it into a volcano, and then nuke that volcano, and then drop an asteroid on the planet so that there will never be another movie with those little piss-turds ever again."
— Carl, when asked if he wanted to see the new Minions movie with his nephew.
May 20th, 2015
"They out Mad Maxed the Road Warrior. How is that possible?"
— Chi-Chi, after seeing Mad Max: Fury Road
March 4th, 2015
"I saw a flurry... Quick! Get off the fucking road or we're all going to DIE!"
— Me, after seeing a single flurry and knowing that this would cause my fellow Southerners to drive like bats out of a frozen hell to the supermarkets to stock up on bread, milk, and eggs. I'm fucking serious. I guess Southerners like French Toast on snow days.
January 14th, 2015
"20 goddamn years?! That's almost as old as that kid I had with that hooker in Vegas!... Is your site as hot as this?! (shows me picture of his daughter... my site is infinitely hotter)"
— Jimmy Jammer, after finding out I've been putting stuff online for 20 years
December 10th, 2014
"Did I just find the prize inside, or did the dog barf in the cereal box?"
— Cupcake, after finding the dog's barf in the cereal box
October 22nd, 2014
"NO! Siri, you LIE!"
— Me, after Siri let me know that the fun song I've had stuck in my head and had been humming all week was Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off." Ugh.
September 10th, 2014
"How can it smell so badly of con-funk on just the first day?!"
— Me, at Dragon Con 2014
August 6th, 2014
"I admit it. I ate the frog."
— Somebody at the restaurant I was at last Sunday during an unexpected quiet moment
July 16th, 2014
"Did the dog eat its own shit? No?! I ask you then, how can it make a fart that absolutely perfectly shitty smelling, like it just took a wet, stinky, week old dump up my nostrils if it didn't? That was definitely a two-shit fart if I've ever smelled one!"
— Me after the dog let the worst odor ever created by a living creature rip from its anus
July 2nd, 2014
"Doctor who? Who? Doctor.... Detroit!"
— A confused individual at the Doctor Who convention this past weekend
June 27th, 2014
"I came, I saw, I ate the whoooooooole thing... Just what was that anyway?"
— Carl
February 15th, 2010
"Communism?! No, I said 'Naked Communes'!"
— Lenin
February 18th, 2009
"I'm an uncle for the 6th time... Sigh... Always an uncle, never a father of an illegitimate child..."
— Me
January 28th, 2009
"I didn't mean to kill it, I just meant to hurt it really, really bad."
— Carl
November 19th, 2008
"That is sooooooo '07."
— My 7 year-old nephew on 11-13-2008
September 10th, 2008
"Beautiful! Excuse me! I don't care! How much fake. Wonderful! Charming you!"
— Fantastic Engrish lyrics from Macross Frontier
July 23rd, 2008
"This town needs an enema!"
— The fucking Joker!
July 9th, 2008
"This isn't fun... I don't wanna play anymore!"
— My nephew, who apparently didn't know the rules of "All Weapons Allowed Suicide Ball" before playing
May 28th, 2008
"My titties do what Nintendon't."
— A hot girl apparently offering her boyfriend an ultimatum in the videogame store
April 16th, 2008
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Well, apparently semen."
— Some unlucky fuck at the cafeteria
April 2nd, 2008
"Yeah, well Hitler liked to kill Jews, but that didn't mean that he was right."
— Me explaining to the Chief why his "Lots of people like Baccano" argument didn't hold water
March 19th, 2008:
"I'm not black, but I'm a chick... That counts for something, right?"
— Hillary Clinton
February 20th, 2008:
"Four scores and 70 beers ag— BLARG!!"
— Some frat guy downtown on Presidents Day
January 16th, 2008:
"Oh no you di'nt! Aw HELL naw!"
— Will Smith in every movie he's ever been in
January 2nd , 2008:
"Only time will tell if I am an idiot."
— the idiotic Jimmy Jammer after setting his house on fire with his car
December 4th, 2007:
"God DAMN you, Zack! Why are you soooo fucking slow?! You fuck your monkey, don't you!"
— Karen playing Zack and Wiki on the Wii
November 7th, 2007:
"Hey, baby, I'm cool, just like Isaac... Dy-no-MITE!"
— some drunk retard hitting on a girl on my cruise
September 26th, 2007:
"Remember how Ah said 'No beans'? Well now Ah'm gonna make you smell why."
— the Bean-hating Tammi With an "i" to our Waitress at La Fiesta
September 5th, 2007:
"Denny Crane."
— Denny Crane
August 15th, 2007:
"Jackie Chan is dead to me..."
— Overheard guy walking out of Rush Hour 3 theater
July 25th, 2007:
"19 years later'?! Are you shitting me? And no Luna?"
— Me, after finishing up Rowling's unfabulous Potter epilogue
June 20th, 2007:
"He drank what?! I don't believe you. Here, let me taste it."
— Socrates' lesser pupil, Mongoloides
May 23rd, 2007:
"Wait, did you say 'dissect the heart' or 'detect the heartbeat'?... Oh pooh!"
— Dr. Dave
May 2nd, 2007:
"Execute him!"
— Jesus of Nazareth
April 11th, 2007:
"Ross, I said, 'We'll need 12 copies of that proposal by 5PM,' I didn't say anything about any smelly monkeys..."
— My boss
March 21st, 2007:
"Hooray! Slaves for everybody!"
— George Washington at his first inauguration
March 7th, 2007:
"I love kittens. Literally."
— That fucking pervert Hitler
February 14th, 2007:
"I am Anna Nicole's baby's father."
— Some guy with a megaphone on the street
January 17th, 2007:
"I came, I saw, I came again."
— the MegaPlayboy
January 3rd, 2007:
"Great. It's 2007... Now what the fuck?"
— Karen
December 20th, 2006:
"I loved her enough to drive her off a bridge, dammit!"
— Senator Kennedy
December 13th, 2006:
"I will pay you with a blowjob for your Wii."
— Somebody even more desperate than I
November 15th, 2006:
"Just the Wii?... Oh my Christ. You mean you DON'T have $600 for the PS3?!"
— The serious, and apparently RICH, Marksy
November 1st, 2006:
"Blaaaaaaaargh.... Uuuungh.... Wheeeeeeez..."
— Me after eating all the left-over Halloween candy in one night
October 11th, 2006:
"Gimme a steak. Medium rare."
— Gandhi
September 20th, 2006:
"Wait, HOW many monkeys did you get?! "
— Carl
August 30th, 2006:
"Wait, is it okay if I fed your dog 5 chocolate bars and 10 brownies?"
— Marksy
August 9th, 2006:
"Congratulations!... Wait, it was a baby, right?"
— Overheard coworker
July 19st, 2006:
"I always thought Kermit the Frog looked fake."
— Some genius overheard on the bus
June 21st, 2006:
"Tell you what... You take your clothes off and I'll take your picture."
— Overheard at a party... Awesome
May 31st, 2006:
"And we ate burgers in the dark, the day the music died!"
— Incorrect "American Pie" lyrics sung by some reject downtown last Friday
May 10th, 2006:
— Me, while pinned under a bulldog statue when 7th Heaven came on the TV, remote out of reach
April 19th, 2006:
"Before you say anything, at least listen to my lies, uh, SIDE, first."
— Some putz at the Grill to his girl
April 5th, 2006:
"That's alright, tonight you can be Muslim."
— the generous Mehve
March 15th, 2006:
"Aiiiieii! I'm not a leprechauMy bones!"
— the midget who Chi-Chi bear-hugged at a St. Paddy's Day party
March 1st, 2006:
"Git yer hands off mah Skoal can or Ah'll pull what's left of yer hair, Grandma!"
— Tammi With an "I"
February 15th, 2006:
"Mmmm! These are great fish sticks, Skipper... So anyway, where's that mermaid you said you caught?"
— Me
February 1st, 2006:
"Vengeance is a dish best served with dog droppings."
— Carl
January 18th, 2006:
"So how big you figure Godzilla's schlong is?"
— the deep thinking MegaPlayboy
January 4th, 2006:
"I'm gonna need a few more drinks before this band doesn't suck anymore."
— a New Year's partying Me
December 14th, 2005:
"Ho ho holy fuck!"
— That goddamn mall Santa who requires people to wear pants while sitting on his lap
November 30th, 2005:
"You know how you were conceived? Doggy-style, bitch!"
— Jimmy Jammer's dad
November 16th, 2005:
"Stanks, don't it..."
— Some chick a friend was about to go down on till the smell hit him
November 9th, 2005:
"Check this shit out! Abracadabra!!.... Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!"
— Jesus Christ
October 19th, 2005:
"Ow fuck! This is worse than when I killed the president!"
— Lee Harvey Oswald
October 5th, 2005:
"I can't believe I ate the whooole thing. And his brother!"
— Tammi With an "I"
September 28th, 2005:
"Oh shit! I think I just killed my own great-great-great-great-great grandmother!"
— Bob From the Future
September 14th, 2005:
"Yeah, Jessica Simpson has a great ass and tits, but why do you want to fuck her?"
— Karen
September 7th, 2005:
"Kiss my big black... errr, white ass!"
— Jimmy Jammer
August 24th, 2005:
"Yeah?! Well your mother's a fag!"
— the Woz Jr.
August 17th, 2005:
"Sorry, Lazlo, but I didn't see you there... I stand corrected, I saw you but chose to ignore you."
— Roland T. Flakfizer
July 27th, 2005:
"You're ruining Birth Week!"
— Tammi With an "I"
July 20th, 2005:
"Remember when I punched you in the face in 30 seconds?"
— Carl
July 13th, 2005:
"Imagine getting tea-bagged by those suckers!"
— Me
July 6th, 2005:
"Just the good old boys, always mindin' the farm..."
— Jimmy Jammer getting the Dukes' theme song all wrong
June 22nd, 2005:
"So, wait... Was he bitten by a bat or something? Like Spider-man, or that bald, wheel-chair guy?"
— Jaime, trying to figure out superheroes
June 15th, 2005:
"How about 'I fucked your momma!'?"
— Carl, trying to think of a catchphrase
June 8th, 2005:
"C'mon, ladies, this thing can take ALL of you at once... And so can I."
— the MegaPlayboy
June 1st, 2005:
"You're mother's a whore. A FAT whore who can't even make any money selling her fat cunt on the streets."
— Me to a retard fanboy
May 25th, 2005:
"So you went to see THE MAN, huh? How was THE MAN?... Why do you have my purse?"
— Tawny
May 18th, 2005:
"Fuck em'! Fuck em' in the ass with a big rubber dick!"
— Captain Rugged
May 11th, 2005:
"Y'all done swell up like a ole dead pig. Hooo-wee. Couldn' hit a bear in the ass with a bass fiddle."
— Tammi With an "I" (seriously, I have no fucking clue what that means)
May 4th, 2005:
"I'm gonna KILL dat bitch!"
— the nice man at the bar who bought a round for everyone, then left angrilly with a .45 in his hand
April 27th, 2005:
"Oh man, have you ever killed a puppy with your bare hands?... Uh, me neither. "
— Carl
April 20th, 2005:
"Yeah, so it turned out my date was a guy. Wait, I didn't mean..."
— Jimmy Jammer
April 13th, 2005:
"No, sir, just chicken blood. 'Bout 6 gallons worth."
— the Wolfman, explaining the contents of his trunk to a cop
April 6th, 2005:
"Sir, you're only allowed one free sample! I could get fired over this!"
— the teenage punk outside the Orange Julius
March 30th, 2005:
"Let's get the fuck out of here!"
— Abraham Lincoln
March 23rd, 2005:
"See, my god looooooves porn."
— the MegaPlayboy

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