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This was the only time the Doctor didn't mind being called "Thief." This TARDIS started chasing him around the dealers' room saying "Thief! Thief! My thief! Where is my thief!?" She finally caught up to him, but when the Doctor tried to use his sonic screwdriver to open her door, she jumped 5 minutes into the past to get away from him.

 

The Doctor met up with himself again. This time it was his Christmas self, and that's when he started to come up with the idea for the Guinness Book of Records' "Largest multiple self-orgy" idea.

 

This kid was just too damn cute to make fun of. He was a chibi-Tenth Doctor, he had his own mini sonic screwdriver, and his mommy even had to tell him to put on his glasses he was so excited to meet his future self! It's good to know before he turns 11 he'll learn to STAND FUCKING STILL while someone's taking his fucking picture!

 

Daenerys met Katara and learned how to make hair loopies. Then she taught Katara to Dragon-bend (it mostly involves playing "red rocket" with a dragon... You don't want to know...)

 

Daenerys had a ton of questions for Ariel, but the bitch just flat out refused to answer any one of them. I even tried to tell her about how I punched out her dad for being a douche-nozzle the other night, but she just smiled hugely and stared deep into my eyes as if she wanted me to guess her name or break out into song.

Then she grabbed a fork from the cafe behind them and ran for the fountain, where she dived in and started doing the backstroke. I began to wonder if she was really in character or just a hot tard.

 

Then Daenerys ran into her dickless older brother and her younger heart-eating self... Then things got... kinky.

 

"Believe it or not, he's putting on weight,
He never thought that he'd get so fa-a-at!
Flying away with another buffet plate,
Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just blonde Pat!"

And the Doctor thought that because his uniform was so much cooler (and he didn't have a white-man's fro) that he could fly just like the Greatest American Hero too. The family of 4 that he landed on underneath the railing he jumped off of will attest that he could not. Don't worry though, the Doctor was okay. The family was all obese, so it was like landing on a buttload of Adipose.

 

Then everyone in the group went to see Stan "the Fucking Man" Lee (left, of course) tell stories about just how awesome it is to be him, and to watch him mercilessly tear the panel host (right, dumbass) 5 new assholes just by being a shining example of how to be MARVELous (you see what I did there?). Greatest panel of the whole goddamn weekend!

 

The Doctor then found Xandir P. Wifflebottom and wanted to see what made a gay adventuring elf tick. Then he burned his sonic screwdriver in fire and threw it into a bucket of Alien Xenomorph acid-blood until it died (it was the sonic's dying request).

 

Goddammit! The Doctor's surrounded by assholes!

 

Ash had just gotten off of a killing spree of slaughtering an army of darkness made up of thousands of Deadites when the Doctor approached him for an autograph. He was blinded by bloodlust and would have taken off the Doctor's head if the bow tie hadn't stopped the chainsaw. Bow ties are so fucking cool!

 

Then He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named tried to Avada Kedavra the Doctor, but he seemed to forget that the Doctor was more immortal than he'd ever be, and with the power of 50 years of fandom behind him the Doctor was able to vanquish the Dark Lord from the land using the knowledge that people would be making good stories about him years after people forgot about a spectacled boy wizard who used luck and his friends as human shields against a poor man's magical Hitler.

P.S. It looks like the kid behind us actually thinks Voldemort is seconds away from killing me. Goddammit I love Dragon*Con!

 

The Doctor met Frank the Bunny (who was sweating his furry bunny balls off that hot August afternoon). The Doctor was happy with the meeting, until Frank asked him what he was doing in that "stupid Shriners' suit." Then the Doctor was almost arrested for bunny assault.

 

Outside the Dairy Queen in the mall the Doctor found Shore Leave. He was so enamored by the mustache that he simply had to taste it, I mean he just had to take a closer look!

 

"Hey, Misty, wanna see MY Pokeballs?"

"Oh my GAWD! No! What kind of a sick girl do you take me for?!"

"Ummmmm, why are you reaching into my pants? I meant this thing. Anyways that's just a rolled pair of socks I put down there... You know, for luck... Well, I guess it's working."