Page 9

Here the Doctor and the Chief begin their Dance Dance warm-up. Dancing is serious business, and there's no need to hurt yourself from doing "The Funky Chicken" just because you didn't stretch.

 

And then it happened... The first Team Rossman casualty of the con. Nobody saw what happened, who did it, and how it was done, but the Doctor swore vengeance upon the enemies of the Chief, and promised that he would bring his assassin to justice... (Actually, the MegaPlayboy witnessed the Doctor "falcon punch" the Chief because he wouldn't share his Skittles after the Doctor ate all of his own in one giant gulp.)

 

Oh, wait. The Chief must have just blacked out again. If it wasn't for the alcohol making his body so limp, the Chief would have done more than just wet his pants, release his bowels, and fall to the ground like a sack of dead babies. God bless you, alcohol! You saved the Chief's life again!

 

Thank the Lord Heccubus that the Chief DID in fact live through that harrowing ordeal, for he soon brought to everybody's attention the fact that The Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy was in attendance of DDDR, and just being in his presence made the Doctor's "Tardis" grow two sizes that day (out of admiration, he said).

 

And then the Doctor found the ultimate hidden item of the con: the Anything-you-want-inator! With this secret special ray gun the Doctor made his crotch absolutely irresistible to all. There were some.... problems with that test trial.

 

And then... BETRAYAL MOST FOUL! The MegaPlayboy snatched the Inator gun and pointed it at an unbelieving Chief! Anything that the MegaPlayboy could think of could be enacted on the Chief! Oh noes!

 

After turning the Chief's own libido against himself (and the Chief found a dark corner to make out with and feel himself up), the MegaPlayboy turned the Inator on the Doctor! How dare anybody wearing a fez do something so heinous!

 

But then justice was doled out to the MegaPlayboy at the very last second by way of an Avenging Cupcake and her judie and ninjy chop mad skills! The MegaPlayboy wept tears of pain, the Chief continued to make out with himself in the corner, and I just danced the dance of the drunk with my courageous woman! Everybody won!

 

Soon all was forgiven/forgotten... Due to alcohol.

 

...And the Doctor and the Chief danced the night away to Daft Punk. Awwwww!

 

And then.... Ummm, well.... Good night, everybody!

That night was one of the most horrible of my life. I had failed to drink ANY water with my stupidly immense alcohol intake that entire evening, and as soon as I slowed down and then stopped back in our hotel room things got bad. I spent most of the night in the bathroom praising the porcelain goddess, and the next morning, when everybody was up and moving around in order to do some more fun things on the Chief's last day of the DC, I was doing my best to just keep some Pepto tablets and some Gatorade down while sitting perfectly still on the hotel bed. Eventually, at around 11AM, I felt like I could move around without losing anything from either the front or back end of my body, and made my way back to the con to find my friends. In the meantime though.........

 

So while I was wishing I would die with a elephant-pounding headache, and self-induced full-body stabbing sensation going on, my Cupcake was flirting with wife-beater-wearing Wolverine. Looks like somebody shaved the poor canuck. He has ZERO body hair. I know toddlers with more masculine chest and arm hair than this fup! Pansy! Stay away from my woman, pansy! I would have thrown up on him had I been there... Like a MAN!

And come on! His claws are coming out of the palms of his hands! What the fuck, Pussyrine?

 

Waitaminute! Another Doctor?! Sweet talking my lady into the Tardis?! This must have been the pull that got me out of bed for good, and made me drag my sorry ass back to the con! DOCTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

 

So I finally made it to the con, and found that the line for the 1PM Reading Rainbow panel was already forming at the Sheraton (or whatever hotel it was at... I'm too lazy to look it up). My friends were all god-knows where, and I could barely move, so I just got in line (I was about the 150th there already, with an hour to spare till show time) and stood silently in a dull, total-body ache.

Eventually I was able to get Cupcake, the Chief, and the MegaPlayboy by texting them on the heavily overtaxed Atlanta wireless network, and they all came to meet me and bring me some more Gatorade. It was at this time that I was praying for some sort of relief when Ikari Gendo came around, saw me, and started staring at me with his fingers steepled in front of his face. That's when I did something I'd waited 17 years to do (pictured above).

 

Okay, so the Reading Rainbow panel was amazing! the 1,000-seat auditorium was full with people crammed in all along the walls too, totally against fire code. But the Chief (who only wore a pass from the previous year's Dragon Con) didn't even want to try to get in, and so he bailed on us and just stayed outside. I would have none of that though.

I first asked the MegaPlayboy if I could borrow his pass. He told me to blow myself. So I asked Cupcake, and she agreed, and I ran out to the hallway to find the Chief and sneak him in. I gave him Cupcake's pass as discreetly as I could, then went back in myself.... The Chief though, well, I don't know if he was just unlucky or blew his hand because he stinks at Poker, but in trying to get in close behind me he made TOO sure that the security guy at the entrance saw his pass... The security dude (a small man with a GIANT Napoleon complex) noticed that the Chief did not look like a "Cupcake", pulled him aside, and called the rest of con security on him for the illegal activity of "Pass Sharing!" GASP! Seriously though, he was almost tossed out of the con, and Cupcake's pass was almost confiscated. Fuck...

Anyway, LeVar Burton was really cool, he talked for a bit over an hour about Reading Rainbow, Star Trek, and Roots, and then the whole audience sang the Reading Rainbow theme song together. It was a thing of beauty.

 

After that, the Chief got Cupcake's pass back to her, slapped me around while calling me a doofus for a while, but then he had to bail in order to rob a bank, lick a clown, or piss on a puppy, or something. So the rest of us went back to the Dealers Room where Cupcake let me hold her soft, round, succulent tribbles.

 

I then bumped into the most legendary of the legendary newsmen of all time, and proceeded to tell him of my wild, nerdy weekend at the con. He told me to stay classy, and I did.

 

We later ran into a human-Dalek hybrid, but my Amy Pondified Cupcake took the fiend out by punching all of her Dalek breasts/balls/bumps/lady-humps.